Useless Coffee Boy

They told me to go home; that my work was done, that they didn’t need me. They must think I’m stupid. Sticking around when they know they don’t need me. If I was there everything would still be the same. Yeah, things might be a bit messy, but they’d manage perfectly. I’m just a waste of space.  I have no one. I left my family; as much as I love them they never understood me. I was always the weird one. The odd one out. It never really bothered me because I loved the silence, but now I dread it. Every night when I come home it haunts me. That’s why I try to stay, but they don’t understand. They never understand.

When I started working there it felt like I finally found my home. Like I was meant to be there, but over time they stopped acknowledging me. I was invisible, like a ghost. Every day I watch them from the side lines. They have fun, carry on and bond with each other, become friends and then there’s me. Sitting at my desk waiting for anyone to notice me. Hell, I would even have an alien stalk me if I got some attention.

But I guess some things never change. It’s been like this my whole life, I just wished... hoped it would change. That my life would have some, any meaning. Day after day it eats away at me and weighs me down. I don’t recognise myself anymore, but I stopped caring a long time ago. I just want to feel alive again. To have a genuine smile on my face. To have an actual conversation with someone; I just want to belong.

I’ve restarted my old activities from my teenage years. It brings me some pleasure, but it only lasts seconds. It helps me release my emotions, thoughts, pain. It releases me from a life I see no point in living. But for the tiniest of seconds I feel whole. I feel alive and that’s all I want. Is that too much to ask?

He looked at himself in the mirror. Pathetic. Worthless. Meaningless. Dead. He rolled up both of his sleeves which revealed hundreds of scars – healed and healing. He smiled at himself when he dragged the blade across his skin. And he kept on doing it until his arms went numb. His mind went blank. Finally, the thoughts have stopped; he let himself laugh as he made his way to the bathroom.

The blood ran. It escaped from his skin with all the pain he once felt. It was always mesmerising to watch. Drip. Drip. Drip. In a silent house the noise intensified and it was magic to his ears. These memories he held dear. They reminded him that he survived and is surviving in a world that is too fucked up to handle.

He took his time cleaning his cuts, it was peaceful. This was the time he looked forward to. This was the only time he felt like he had meaning.

After all, I am just a useless coffee boy…